After my last post I decided I was going to go out and have a little I was almost back on my feet and my attitude was in a cheery place so really what can go wrong? -__- First I go out I think it's going to be a nice quiet night hanging out with and old buddy and meeting his friend that I have been dying to meet because we are so much alike. We went threw pretty much the same things. The night started out fine I wasn't being destructive I didn't even drink at first. They were having a bad day so we went to their friends house which everyone there was either messed outta their mind.. or didn't like me. It was just a set up for disaster and I should have expected it. I really should learn to listen to my gut feeling, but stubborn ass me thinks I know everything so I convince myself it would be fine. The people I didn't really like didn't bother me I even complimented one of them kudos to me being a big enough person to do that! besides once I got there they pretty much bolted. Everyone around me was being destructive and doing pain killers and drinking so I joined in which wasn't the smartest thing on my part. I eventually got to the partying state and then we ended the night with one of our friends crashing into our local ice cream shop that really shouldn't have driven. Worried about him I stayed up all night. As soon as I got home and went to go to sleep my brother called it was his last day here and he wanted to spend the day with me. I stayed up the whole day with the family not feeling good at all when I made it back into my house I felt like complete garbage obviously I now haven’t slept in two days and I was doing destructive things to my body again on top of not eating! When I got home I ran as fast as I could just lay on my bedroom floor dying in pain and sleeplessness. Before I could even change and hop into bed people start texting me and calling me. Telling everyone I don’t feel good one says they will come pick me up and take care of me and watch movies then… the other so happens to be a friend I haven’t seen in so long and the kid that crashed the night before wanting to party so me being the smart decision maker I go out with them. I end up doing things that aren’t good for my body and making various decisions that were just bad judgment on my part. I really had a TON of fun and I don’t think I would’ve wanted it any other way it was amazing I just didn’t think of the consequences of what I was doing. Ahhh I really wish I could just live the night over and over again there might be some things that I might change because I def think they are going to judge me of some of the things that I said/did but we all said that we we’re best bros which is the only reason some of those things came out. Anyways I stayed up another night now it’s three days of destroying my body, not sleeping and not eating. The next day we had it all planned out and nothing went as planned it was just a huge mess. Everyone got into trouble in some way. We just kept getting bad news after bad news. Everyone was eventually forced to go home and that’s when I slept for two days making that five days without eating. I woke up feeling like complete shit and it was new years eve so I had to get up I promised my best friend that I would go out with her. Seeing as how I didn’t feel well I didn’t get to party up on new years like I would have wanted.. Or like my friends doing shot after shot. I was really happy a couple days ago and I was having fun, but that fun I was having eventually led me into unhappiness. Because it was the type of fun that would end up making you feel unhappy. The dangerous, consequential type of fun. I need to get to that medium where I can go out and have fun and not get out of hand.. Or in my complete destruction mode. Eventually I will. I know it!
I love this time of year it makes me feel so fabulous and just puts me in an all aound cheery mood. I get to see all my friends because they are back from school and break and we all have some time off and i get to see my brother which lives in Florida. I just love it! I even got my Christmas wish.. I wished me and my best friend patched things up and we did we're hanging out for new years eve! :) Another that just makes me happy around this time is all the decorations and wonderful displays in the windows of every place in the city.. there's cheer everywhere! && if you don't like this season then bah humbug you grinch!
Another thing I love about the Christmas season after it's over there is new years. You end the year right with the warm and fuzzy feeling from Christmas and not to mention you get to start a new year with new stuff that's always a perk. :) I love new years it gives you an excuse to get drunk and kiss people you wouldn't normally just go and kiss. The parties are fab it's all glitz and glam. You get to get all dolled up with your friends and wish everyone a Happy New Year! Plus I love drinking the delish champagne all night! It's a time for new beginnings and your slate is whiped clean for a newer, improved you. I cannot wait to start all over and move on from all that I have learned this year and go on to make the next year go even better than this one. I want to meet new people, explore new things, be fabulous, get over this depression I don't care if I have to fake it eventually this will surpass. I definaely wanna get back into more exercise what's the point of moping and starving myself if it just leads me to dissappointment. I have a whole new perspective of life when new years comes around the corner. New Years day is going to be the first of MANY hangovers I am going to have in 2010. Maybe I will finally find someone that I can settle down with or someone that can keep up with me. ;) I'm done with everything and starting new. I cannot wait to return the things I don't want/like that I got for xmas and go out and find the most fabulous outfit for new years because of course you need a new set of clothes for the new year! I wonder who is going to be my lovely new years kiss.. I remember last year it was my friends Caity and Corey<3 this year it is more than likely going to be Kristen. I kinda like that I do it with a best friend because it's kinda like starting the new years with a new long venture with a old friend. I of course like the opportunity to kiss whomever I want that is almost stranger like to me. The familiar and the not so familiar... owww I cannot wait! Anyways wish me luck with whatever endeavors that I seek or find! xx
I've been reading all my friends all blogs.. and people whom I know and dont really know much about but want to get to know them. They all are speaking of feeling so devoted and completely happy and loved by someone and how they have lost it or it got messed up somehow. I'm so jealous I want that feeling why can't I have it too? I want a that feeling like everything is right in the world. Figured everything out and I'm happy about. It is such a big thing to ask for is just to be simply loved? I didn't think so but then why isn't it happening? I know it has to be partly my fault with having being hurt so much before and being really guarded and closed off because I'm afraid that would happen and truthfully I'm not fully over it even though I try to fool myself and say that I am. Maybe it is all my fault for pushing people away because I'm so indecisive and can't make up my mind. All I want is to find my yellow bird and to be so carefree and happy and.. even stupid. I used to be so romantic and believe everything should be like in my old movies that love that is so strong you can feel it from the characters that dream world where everything seems to be right and even if they are in a fight they really are in love with one another truely and they rather be fighting with eachother than laughing with someone else. I want everything to be romanticized like it used to be in my head. Out of all things to destroy about me why did it have to be that? the one thing I cherished more than anything. Now when I watch those movies like my Audrey movies I feel the love the have but in a way it makes me upset because now it all seems so fairy tale. Maybe I want that fairy tale. Maybe I really do need to just grow up.
Another thing I don't seem get is how can someone tell you that your gorgeous and smart and everything that basically someone would look for in a potential lover... and yet not want to be with you? That makes no sense to me. How can you say all that about a person and then not want to have them in your life constantly.. it baffles me.To me either they were being untruthful or they are just trying to get something out of you usually with guys sex not saying that girls are all that innocent either. And that brings up another problem if you can love a person one way.. why can't you love them the other way? If you can love a person sexually and show the most vunerable version of yourself and share such strong emotions that they become you.. how do you not love them emotionally speaking? you shared a part of yourself.. why are you holding back the rest? Making love to someone is a meaningful thing.. then why do so many people today make it so meaningless.. in the past it used to mean something today I feel as if people are just using it as a relaease.
Ahhh all these questions and no one to answer them. Nobody can really explain these questions they just are and that's sad. If life is so beautiful and everything is wonderful and love is so amazing and awe striking.. then why isn't everyone happy? I don't even know why i'm unhappy.. I wish life would just explain itself and the purpose of living because I don't seem to think that there is, I know that sounds really cinical. I'm usually really optimistic but I feel like all of that was drained out of my life and just left me with questions left unanswered...
I haven't been on in awhile my life has just been tooo complicated to even think about blogger but there is this HUGE snow storm and it's three in the morning so why not? The snow is sooo bad I wish I was back in Florida at times like this. My front door is half way covered so far and I'm sure it will be almost all the way snowed in by morning because it just keeps coming down. At times like this I wish I had a significant other that I love to cuddle and watch movies, lay by the fire, drink hot chocolate and just bond over staying inside... or at least someone fun to get drunk with and then go play in the snow.. what has happened to my best friends? I feel like they all hate me now. No more like everyone. Where is the love yall? I'm sure Christmas will help fill the void for a little bit hopefully. I feel like my life is falling apart and I'm losing everyone.. I'm losing myself I just keep falling apart. Christmas is a nice change of pace tho. && I am going to be going to school in the spring semester which will hopefully let me meet new people and go out then I won't have to think of the past people so much. I need a job soooo bad I kind of liked working always having something to do and having a responsiblity and of course the money didn't hurt either ^_^ I would love to go shopping right now! I am dying to buy more dresses and clothes. I think my style must've changed because I hate all my clothes and I used to think I was so fashionable.. that was the only thing I happened to like about myself. Ohhh well hopefully I will get back on the horse soon. Maybe I am just in between chapters in my life.. this all will sort itself out and I WILL be happy someday maybe not today or tomorrow but someday. I cannnot wait for that day! I miss those times sooo much.
Wayyy later on last night me and the new boy talked well it was more like this moring but since I couldn't sleep it was last night. He basically told me he wants all of me and if we have to we can break up. I guess I comforted him enough to let him know that that isn't what I wanted so we are still together! I never told him I was supposed to see the ex today because I knew he would be mad and he even asked me what I was doing today and I told him nothing. I never ending up calling the ex or talking to him like I was supposed to so we can hang out because I knew something would happen.. but I know if he called me I totally would've been over his house right now. I realize tho that he is my bad habit and I just have to stop and move on. So tonight I got my long lost phone back and a bottle of wine. I will replace the ex with wine.. hopefully I don't become a lush! HAHA I've had two big glasses already and I'm loving it! <3
This is completely a mess in my head so I thought it would help to blog about it to get my feelings right.. maybe writing it all down will help me sort it out.
Hmmm so let's start with the now: I've been dating this new guy he's really nice and sweet and smart and does and says all sorts of romantic things he's great. It's really a nice change for me since all I have been accustomed to are jerks (the ones that just want sex/cheates/liars/bad influences/doesn't treat you right/says all the wrong things ect ect.) it's kind of like a breath of fresh air. Then the ex pops up and scrambles with my head saying everything like "i miss you" and "you know you don't hate me because you love me" and "my new girl and I are not together anymore because she thinks i'm still in love with you" he lays in on pretty thick telling me all the thing I want to hear (which is the problem) but I have someone now why let history repeat itself for the 2399645968598596854 millionth time! He says he's matured and that he is really ready to stop with all the stupd stuff and to treat me right "beacuse what we had was good" and he's ready to grow up.
**Now let's explain the ex: he is not just an ex he is THE EX.. you know the one that you wonder what would've happened and the one that when he pops up in your life you can't help but have all the things you felt for him rush back to you (even though you really thought all those feelings were long gone). He was my first love.. frankly, my first everything he took my virginity he's the only person I can truely say I loved. I risked everythng for him I picked up my life an moved from the South to the North for our relationship I was with him for years, but obviously it wasn't all good we're exs for a reason. He cheated && not just once but over and over again I was young, naive and in love so of course I believed his lies because I didn't want to face the truth and I took him back over and over again. We've been through sooo much and I just can't seem to let that go no matter how much I hate him and I know he is no good for me and I could do better all I can see is the good. And just him he's a total mess not the nice guy at all he's the tough bad boy doesn't show his feelings and gets himself into trouble all the time and that somehow it makes me like him more because I want to be that person that helps him and cares and watches out for him whether it is with him having an addiction to drugs or going to jail I want to be there to push him to do better and go to school and so on. I'm the type of person that can't let things go until they are fixed.. and our relationship ended messy and I can't get over it because it wasn't a clean break there are still pieces left behind and just destroy me inside and out.
Okay so after all that long pretext... what happened was my new boyfriend is roommates with my best friend at college and that is how we met. They've been sharing a computer because his broke so when the ex started talking to me and telling me all those things I had to IM my best friend to put my head on straight and tell me what to do. I IM him freaking out and I tell him my ex is talking to me and of course he knows which one so I ask him what I should do and then like not even a couple seconds later he signs off and the new boy signs in and IMs me. He does his usual sweet self.. and I couldn't pretend that didn't just so I ask if that was him on my best friend aim and he says yes and that he didn't mean to pry because they are listening to music together and hanging out. So I try to do damange control and tell him I am sorry and I obviously can't ask him about it. He is his understanding self and says that it's fine and not to worry because he completely trusts me (that just stabs me like a sharp knife because with this person I don't even trust myself). I reply with a lie saying that it makes me feel a little bit better but I added because I am having a little mini crisis over here which I didn't think that would mean anything but obviously I was completely mistaken. He asks me "why?" and so I have to explain myself a little so I say "ugh loooong story.. esp with [ex's name]". Then I can see that he keeps typing and erasing it and then he finally responds with "well i'm not sure what to say like I understand that you dated him for awhile." and I try to make the topic just go away by saying "i'm not sure either so it's okay" which obviously didn't drop it like I wanted it to. He replys with "listen. are you ready for this?" and I say "idk.. yes?". Then he completely gets defensive by saying that he's just ugh and if I'm not ready then no harm done (which he really is upset just trying not to show it) so he tells me he has to go. Quickly picking up how he is feeling I say "wait no i didnt mean that.idk. i meant like idk if i was ready to listen to what you about to say. idkkk. ahh". So then all of a sudden he doesn't have to go and says " oh my god. i just completely misunderstood you and got pretty mad haha." which obviously send a little guilt down my spine. Then I tell him that maybe it is best if he goes and i'm sorry that he got the IM I sent to my best friend. AND THEN HE PULLS THIS OUT: "the only thing i want to know is do you have any feelings for him leftover? or is it done." so i'm freaking out I know what he wants to hear and I can't say it because that's huge thing to lie about I just can't so I say "i really dk i'm confused and just upset right now.. i dont think i have feelings for him. just dont worry im yours." And then of course that wasn't what he wanted to hear so then he tells me he is going to go and that he will talk to me later. I tell him that "it didn't make me feel any better.. but that is probally a good idea. bye" because I know it is best because I might cause some more damage in the situation. An hour goes by and then he IMs me again being normal and I'm just saying the minimum and tell him that I'm about to go down another glass of wine and I can only talk for 2mins. He replys with "ahh baby don't start drinking i'm sorry about being a jerk before" and I say "it's too late. and whatever." Then he tells me "i guess i just got a little jealous" I ask "why?" and he says "i just hated the fact that he still affects you like that" and I reply with "it's his thing it's what he does. ahhh im getting drunk il bb back around 3ish after the movie if your on we can talk!" he replys with "ok<3 sweets. have fun. i think i'm gonna be with [his friend] all night. where are you going btw?" and I left already so then instead of sounding like he is doubting me he adds "i think you should skip it and just come here =]". I come back and see he is still on and so I IM him "back" and then he signs off after like 10mins then back in and puts an away message up. To add on to all this I told the ex that since I couldn't hang out with him tonight that I will hang with him tomorrow." which I know I shouldn't because something might happen and I obviously can't tell my new guy that we are going to hang out which if I can't tell him then I shouldn't be doing it. The whole time I was out all I could think about was the ex.. so much so that I couldn't even hold a conversation. This whole situation is just freaking me out because I don't want to mess things up and pick the wrong thing or even do something that I really regret. Maybe my ex is right I do still love him... but does he still love me? He must if he wants me still so much so that other people can tell and that he gets mad and jealous everytime he sees me with a guy even if they are just friends and we are hanging out. No matter how mad at me he is he says he misses me so much that he is just happy to see me. I really think this new guy is right for me so I don't want to fuck it up plus I'm about to go to his hometown and meet all his closest friends and family. AHHHH MY HEAD IS SOOO SCRAMBLED!
Wow, really long post nobody has to read this it was just me trying to vent and get things out of my head and onto paper... I guess. lol
