Ahhhhh >=/

This is completely a mess in my head so I thought  it would help to blog about it to get my feelings right.. maybe writing it all down will help me sort it out.

Hmmm so let's start with the now: I've been dating this new guy he's really nice and sweet and smart and does and says all sorts of romantic things he's great. It's really a nice change for me since all I have been accustomed to are jerks (the ones that just want sex/cheates/liars/bad influences/doesn't treat you right/says all the wrong things ect ect.) it's kind of like a breath of fresh air. Then the ex pops up and scrambles with my head saying everything like "i miss you" and "you know you don't hate me because you love me" and "my new girl and I are not together anymore because she thinks i'm still in love with you" he lays in on pretty thick telling me all the thing I want to hear (which is the problem) but I have someone now why let history repeat itself for the 2399645968598596854 millionth time! He says he's matured and that he is really ready to stop with all the stupd stuff and to treat me right "beacuse what we had was good" and he's ready to grow up.

**Now let's explain the ex: he is not just an ex he is THE EX.. you know the one that you wonder what would've happened and the one that when he pops up in your life you can't help but have all the things you felt for him rush back to you (even though you really thought all those feelings were long gone). He was my first love.. frankly, my first everything he took my virginity he's the only person I can truely say I loved. I risked everythng for him I picked up my life an moved from the South to the North for our relationship I was with him for years, but obviously it wasn't all good we're exs for a reason. He cheated && not just once but over and over again I was young, naive and in love so of course I believed his lies because I didn't want to face the truth and I took him back over and over again. We've been through sooo much and I just can't seem to let that go no matter how much I hate him and I know he is no good for me and I could do better all I can see is the good. And just him he's a total mess not the nice guy at all he's the tough bad boy doesn't show his feelings and gets himself into trouble all the time and that somehow it makes me like him more because I want to be that person that helps him and cares and watches out for him whether it is with him having an addiction to drugs or going to jail I want to be there to push him to do better and go to school and so on. I'm the type of person that can't let things go until they are fixed.. and our relationship ended messy and I can't get over it because it wasn't a clean break there are still pieces left behind and just destroy me inside and out.

Okay so after all that long pretext... what happened was my new boyfriend is roommates with my best friend at college and that is how we met. They've been sharing a computer because his broke so when the ex started talking to me and telling me all those things I had to IM my best friend to put my head on straight and tell me what to do. I IM him freaking out and I tell him my ex is talking to me and of course he knows which one so I ask him what I should do and then like not even a couple seconds later he signs off and the new boy signs in and IMs me. He does his usual sweet self.. and I couldn't pretend that didn't just so I ask if that was him on my best friend aim and he says yes and that he didn't mean to pry because they are listening to music together and hanging out. So I try to do damange control and tell him I am sorry and I obviously can't ask him about it. He is his understanding self and says that it's fine and not to worry because he completely trusts me (that just stabs me like a sharp knife because with this person I don't even trust myself). I reply with a lie saying that it makes me feel a little bit better but I added because I am having a little mini crisis over here which I didn't think that would mean anything but obviously I was completely mistaken. He asks me "why?" and so I have to explain myself a little so I say "ugh loooong story.. esp with [ex's name]". Then I can see that he keeps typing and erasing it and then he finally responds with "well i'm not sure what to say like I understand that you dated him for awhile." and I try to make the topic just go away by saying "i'm not sure either so it's okay" which obviously didn't drop it like I wanted it to. He replys with "listen. are you ready for this?" and I say "idk.. yes?". Then he completely gets defensive by saying that he's just ugh and if I'm not ready then no harm done (which he really is upset just trying not to show it) so he tells me he has to go. Quickly picking up how he is feeling I say "wait no i didnt mean that.idk. i meant like idk if i was ready to listen to what you about to say. idkkk. ahh". So then all of a sudden he doesn't have to go and says " oh my god. i just completely misunderstood you and got pretty mad haha." which obviously send a little guilt down my spine. Then I tell him that maybe it is best if he goes and i'm sorry that he got the IM I sent to my best friend. AND THEN HE PULLS THIS OUT: "the only thing i want to know is do you have any feelings for him leftover? or is it done." so i'm freaking out I know what he wants to hear and I can't say it because that's  huge thing to lie about I just can't so I say "i really dk i'm confused and just upset right now.. i dont think i have feelings for him. just dont worry im yours." And then of course that wasn't what he wanted to hear so then he tells me he is going to go and that he will talk to me later. I tell him that "it didn't make me feel any better.. but that is probally a good idea. bye" because I know it is best because I might cause some more damage in the situation. An hour goes by and then he IMs me again being normal and I'm just saying the minimum and tell him that I'm about to go down another glass of wine and I can only talk for 2mins. He replys with "ahh baby don't start drinking i'm sorry about being a jerk before" and I say "it's too late. and whatever." Then he tells me "i guess i just got a little jealous" I ask "why?" and he says "i just hated the fact that he still affects you like that" and I reply with "it's his thing it's what he does. ahhh im getting drunk il bb back around 3ish after the movie if your on we can talk!" he replys with "ok<3 sweets. have fun. i think i'm gonna be with [his friend] all night. where are you going btw?" and I left already so then instead of sounding like he is doubting me he adds "i think you should skip it and just come here =]". I come back and see he is still on and so I IM him "back" and then he signs off after like 10mins then back in and puts an away message up. To add on to all this I told the ex that since I couldn't hang out with him tonight that I will hang with him tomorrow." which I know I shouldn't because something might happen and I obviously can't tell my new guy that we are going to hang out which if I can't tell him then I shouldn't be doing it. The whole time I was out all I could think about was the ex.. so much so that I couldn't even hold a conversation. This whole situation is just freaking me out because I don't want to mess things up and pick the wrong thing or even do something that I really regret. Maybe my ex is right I do still love him... but does he still love me? He must if he wants me still so much so that other people can tell and that he gets mad and jealous everytime he sees me with a guy even if they are just friends and we are hanging out. No matter how mad at me he is he says he misses me so much that he is just happy to see me. I really think this new guy is right for me so I don't want to fuck it up plus I'm about to go to his hometown and meet all his closest friends and family. AHHHH MY HEAD IS SOOO SCRAMBLED!

Wow, really long post nobody has to read this it was just me trying to vent and get things out of my head and onto paper... I guess. lol