I made myself unhappy by making myself happy for a little while...

After my last post I decided I was going to go out and have a little I was almost back on my feet and my attitude was in a cheery place so really what can go wrong? -__- First I go out I think it's going to be a nice quiet night hanging out with and old buddy and meeting his friend that I have been dying to meet because we are so much alike. We went threw pretty much the same things. The night started out fine I wasn't being destructive I didn't even drink at first. They were having a bad day so we went to their friends house which everyone there was either messed outta their mind.. or didn't like me. It was just a set up for disaster and I should have expected it. I really should learn to listen to my gut feeling, but stubborn ass me thinks I know everything so I convince myself it would be fine. The people I didn't really like didn't bother me I even complimented one of them kudos to me being a big enough person to do that! besides once I got there they pretty much bolted. Everyone around me was being destructive and doing pain killers and drinking so I joined in which wasn't the smartest thing on my part. I eventually got to the partying state and then we ended the night with one of our friends crashing into our local ice cream shop that really shouldn't have driven. Worried about him I stayed up all night. As soon as I got home and went to go to sleep my brother called it was his last day here and he wanted to spend the day with me. I stayed up the whole day with the family not feeling good at all when I made it back into my house I felt like complete garbage obviously I now haven’t slept in two days and I was doing destructive things to my body again on top of not eating! When I got home I ran as fast as I could just lay on my bedroom floor dying in pain and sleeplessness. Before I could even change and hop into bed people start texting me and calling me. Telling everyone I don’t feel good one says they will come pick me up and take care of me and watch movies then… the other so happens to be a friend I haven’t seen in so long and the kid that crashed the night before wanting to party so me being the smart decision maker I go out with them. I end up doing things that aren’t good for my body and making various decisions that were just bad judgment on my part. I really had a TON of fun and I don’t think I would’ve wanted it any other way it was amazing I just didn’t think of the consequences of what I was doing. Ahhh I really wish I could just live the night over and over again there might be some things that I might change because I def think they are going to judge me of some of the things that I said/did but we all said that we we’re best bros which is the only reason some of those things came out. Anyways I stayed up another night now it’s three days of destroying my body, not sleeping and not eating. The next day we had it all planned out and nothing went as planned it was just a huge mess. Everyone got into trouble in some way. We just kept getting bad news after bad news. Everyone was eventually forced to go home and that’s when I slept for two days making that five days without eating. I woke up feeling like complete shit and it was new years eve so I had to get up I promised my best friend that I would go out with her. Seeing as how I didn’t feel well I didn’t get to party up on new years like I would have wanted.. Or like my friends doing shot after shot. I was really happy a couple days ago and I was having fun, but that fun I was having eventually led me into unhappiness. Because it was the type of fun that would end up making you feel unhappy. The dangerous, consequential type of fun. I need to get to that medium where I can go out and have fun and not get out of hand.. Or in my complete destruction mode. Eventually I will. I know it!