I want that feeling too..

I've been reading all my friends all blogs.. and people whom I know and dont really know much about but want to get to know them. They all are speaking of feeling so devoted and completely happy and loved by someone and how they have lost it or it got messed up somehow. I'm so jealous I want that feeling why can't I have it too? I want a that feeling like everything is right in the world. Figured everything out and I'm happy about. It is such a big thing to ask for is just to be simply loved? I didn't think so but then why isn't it happening? I know it has to be partly my fault with having being hurt so much before and being really guarded and closed off because I'm afraid that would happen and truthfully I'm not fully over it even though  I try to fool myself and say that I am. Maybe it is all my fault for pushing people away because I'm so indecisive and can't make up my mind. All I want is to find my yellow bird and to be so carefree and happy and.. even stupid. I used to be so romantic and believe everything should be like in my old movies that love that is so strong you can feel it from the characters that dream world where everything seems to be right and even if they are in a fight they really are in love with one another truely and they rather be fighting with eachother than laughing with someone else. I want everything to be romanticized like it used to be in my head. Out of all things to destroy about me why did it have to be that? the one thing I cherished more than anything. Now when I watch those movies like my Audrey movies I feel the love the have but in a way it makes me upset because now it all seems so fairy tale. Maybe I want that fairy tale. Maybe I really do need to just grow up.

Another thing I don't seem get is how can someone tell you that your gorgeous and smart and everything that basically someone would look for in a potential lover... and yet not want to be with you? That makes no sense to me. How can you say all that about a person and then not want to have them in your life constantly.. it baffles me.To me either they were being untruthful or they are just trying to get something out of you usually with guys sex not saying that girls are all that innocent either. And that brings up another problem if you can love a person one way.. why can't you love them the other way? If you can love a person sexually and show the most vunerable version of yourself and share such strong emotions that they become you.. how do you not love them emotionally speaking? you shared a part of yourself.. why are you holding back the rest? Making love to someone is a meaningful thing.. then why do so many people today make it so meaningless.. in the past it used to mean something today I feel as if people are just using it as a relaease.

Ahhh all these questions and no one to answer them. Nobody can really explain these questions they just are and that's sad. If life is so beautiful and everything is wonderful and love is so amazing and awe striking.. then why isn't everyone happy? I don't even know why i'm unhappy.. I wish life would just explain itself and the purpose of living because I don't seem to think that there is, I know that sounds really cinical. I'm usually really optimistic but I feel like all of that was drained out of my life and just left me with questions left unanswered...