I love the Christmas season!

I love this time of year it makes me feel so fabulous and just puts me in an all aound cheery mood. I get to see all my friends because they are back from school and break and we all have some time off and i get to see my brother which lives in Florida. I just love it! I even got my Christmas wish.. I wished me and my best friend patched things up and we did we're hanging out for new years eve! :) Another that just makes me happy around this time is all the decorations and wonderful displays in the windows of every place in the city.. there's cheer everywhere! && if you don't like this season then bah humbug you grinch!

Another thing I love about the Christmas season after it's over there is new years. You end the year right with the warm and fuzzy feeling from Christmas and not to mention you get to start a new year with new stuff that's always a perk. :) I love new years it gives you an excuse to get drunk and kiss people you wouldn't normally just go and kiss. The parties are fab it's all glitz and glam. You get to get all dolled up with your friends and wish everyone a Happy New Year! Plus I love drinking the delish champagne all night! It's a time for new beginnings and your slate is whiped clean for a newer, improved you. I cannot wait to start all over  and move on from all that I have learned this year and go on to make the next year go even better than this one. I want to meet new people, explore new things, be fabulous, get over this depression I don't care if I have to fake it eventually this will surpass. I definaely wanna get back into more exercise what's the point of moping and starving myself if it just leads me to dissappointment. I have a whole new perspective of life when new years comes around the corner. New Years day is going to be the first of MANY hangovers I am going to have in 2010. Maybe I will finally find someone that I can settle down with or someone that can keep up with me. ;) I'm done with everything and starting new. I cannot wait to return the things I don't want/like that I got for xmas and go out and find the most fabulous outfit for new years because of course you need a new set of clothes for the new year! I wonder who is going to be my lovely new years kiss.. I remember last year it was my friends Caity and Corey<3 this year it is more than likely going to be Kristen. I kinda like that I do it with a best friend because it's kinda like starting the new years with a new long venture with a old friend. I of course like the opportunity to kiss whomever I want that is almost stranger like to me. The familiar and the not so familiar... owww I cannot wait! Anyways wish me luck with whatever endeavors that I seek or find! xx

I want that feeling too..

I've been reading all my friends all blogs.. and people whom I know and dont really know much about but want to get to know them. They all are speaking of feeling so devoted and completely happy and loved by someone and how they have lost it or it got messed up somehow. I'm so jealous I want that feeling why can't I have it too? I want a that feeling like everything is right in the world. Figured everything out and I'm happy about. It is such a big thing to ask for is just to be simply loved? I didn't think so but then why isn't it happening? I know it has to be partly my fault with having being hurt so much before and being really guarded and closed off because I'm afraid that would happen and truthfully I'm not fully over it even though  I try to fool myself and say that I am. Maybe it is all my fault for pushing people away because I'm so indecisive and can't make up my mind. All I want is to find my yellow bird and to be so carefree and happy and.. even stupid. I used to be so romantic and believe everything should be like in my old movies that love that is so strong you can feel it from the characters that dream world where everything seems to be right and even if they are in a fight they really are in love with one another truely and they rather be fighting with eachother than laughing with someone else. I want everything to be romanticized like it used to be in my head. Out of all things to destroy about me why did it have to be that? the one thing I cherished more than anything. Now when I watch those movies like my Audrey movies I feel the love the have but in a way it makes me upset because now it all seems so fairy tale. Maybe I want that fairy tale. Maybe I really do need to just grow up.

Another thing I don't seem get is how can someone tell you that your gorgeous and smart and everything that basically someone would look for in a potential lover... and yet not want to be with you? That makes no sense to me. How can you say all that about a person and then not want to have them in your life constantly.. it baffles me.To me either they were being untruthful or they are just trying to get something out of you usually with guys sex not saying that girls are all that innocent either. And that brings up another problem if you can love a person one way.. why can't you love them the other way? If you can love a person sexually and show the most vunerable version of yourself and share such strong emotions that they become you.. how do you not love them emotionally speaking? you shared a part of yourself.. why are you holding back the rest? Making love to someone is a meaningful thing.. then why do so many people today make it so meaningless.. in the past it used to mean something today I feel as if people are just using it as a relaease.

Ahhh all these questions and no one to answer them. Nobody can really explain these questions they just are and that's sad. If life is so beautiful and everything is wonderful and love is so amazing and awe striking.. then why isn't everyone happy? I don't even know why i'm unhappy.. I wish life would just explain itself and the purpose of living because I don't seem to think that there is, I know that sounds really cinical. I'm usually really optimistic but I feel like all of that was drained out of my life and just left me with questions left unanswered...

The Snow Storm

I haven't been on in awhile my life has just been tooo complicated to even think about blogger but there is this HUGE snow storm and it's three in the morning so why not? The snow is sooo bad I wish I was back in Florida at times like this. My front door is half way covered so far and I'm sure it will be almost all the way snowed in by morning because it just keeps coming down. At times like this I wish I had a significant other that I love to cuddle and watch movies, lay by the fire, drink hot chocolate and just bond over staying inside... or at least someone fun to get drunk with and then go play in the snow.. what has happened to my best friends? I feel like they all hate me now. No more like everyone. Where is the love yall? I'm sure Christmas will help fill the void for a little bit hopefully. I feel like my life is falling apart and I'm losing everyone.. I'm losing myself I just keep falling apart. Christmas is a nice change of pace tho. && I am going to be going to school in the spring semester which will hopefully let me meet new people and go out then I won't have to think of the past people so much. I need a job soooo bad I kind of liked working always having something to do and having a responsiblity and of course the money didn't hurt either ^_^ I would love to go shopping right now! I am dying to buy more dresses and clothes. I think my style must've changed because I hate all my clothes and I used to think I was so fashionable.. that was the only thing I happened to like about myself. Ohhh well hopefully I will get back on the horse soon. Maybe I am just in between chapters in my life.. this all will sort itself out and I WILL be happy someday maybe not today or tomorrow but someday. I cannnot wait for that day! I miss those times sooo much.